This is something I wrote for the dvrcv newsletter in October 2009. I have edited it slightly from the version that was published. I was asked to write about my journey away from abuse and the role that an online support group had played. This is part of my story and part of the story of how Our Place Online came in to being as an independent online peer support forum for people who have experienced abuse in a relationship.
Ten years ago my young teen sons and I loaded what we could into a truck and drove away from years of abuse. For me it had been twenty-eight years struggling to make the relationship work, wondering why I was so unhappy and could never do anything right. We moved out while he was at work. I had not dared tell anyone what I was doing because when he knew I was thinking of leaving I had been talked out of it by his friends and relatives. Although I knew it was domestic violence I really did not think I would have qualified for help because most of the abuse was not physical. I never asked.
It was a huge relief to be away from him, a dark cloud, a heavy weight had lifted. We could laugh and be ourselves. At the same time I found myself on a huge emotional roller coaster where I would be happy for a while only to find myself not long after crying for hours. I thought I was crazy and I had no one who understood that or the extreme anger that was boiling away on the inside. I tried talking to people but most had no idea what to say and shied away from me.
I did get counselling and participated in a short term support group. These helped but those sessions were not enough to undo all those years of damage to my self esteem or shut down all the faulty tapes that ran in my head telling me how stupid and useless I was.
I wanted a place to connect to others who had similar experiences and understood. After being isolated I found it far easier to write rather than to talk to people. It was less intimidating to me typing words that showed up on a screen, knowing no one was forced to read. Although I know it is for many, being anonymous was not a big part of it for me although I did like the idea that I could be standing next to another forum member and never know it.
I was driven to try to understand what had happened to me and why, so once I had internet access I read anything that seemed like it could help me understand. I accidently stumbled across some online support forums for people experiencing domestic violence or abuse. I eventually settled on the biggest and most active forum. It was well moderated and had an attached website with helpful information about abuse written by the site owner, an American psychologist.
Most of the time I responded to other people but as I did so I would sometimes use parts of my story that were relevant to their topic. Through the repeated telling of these parts of my story I gradually lost my anger, the memories lost their impact on me and I was able to gradually let go. The telling became easier. The roller-coaster levelled out. I found that responding to others also helped me. I did start some threads of my own but they were mostly related to issues I was having with one of my sons. The responses I got were full of kindness, understanding and helpful suggestions. For the first time in years I felt accepted, understood and valued.
After a couple of years I was stunned to receive an invitation to join the forum administration. My initial reaction was to say no. I really did not believe I was worthy or capable. I did sit with it for a while and gradually started to think that maybe, just maybe, I might have something to offer, after all the administrators who invited me must have thought so. I accepted then panicked thinking I had made a huge mistake. I had no clue. One of the longest serving administrators took me under her wing and mentored me. Gradually I learned the ropes and gained confidence. I started to believe in myself and my own judgement.
The forum was a safe thriving nurturing community for several years, however events came to pass that lead 11 out of the 13 administrators to decide to set up our own independent support forum. In October 2008, Our Place was open for business. Most of the active members from the old forum followed us to the new site. Our administrators, along with a solid core of long term members, were the people who had made the old forum the safe and helpful community it had been.
One year on, we have a thriving and active internet community and support group. We are still working on climbing the Google rankings as we need to be found if we are to continue to offer support and advice to others in need. We intend to approach domestic violence organisations from around the world to try to reach as many people who are experiencing domestic violence as possible. We are offering our forum as an extra support for those in need, never as a replacement of local domestic violence services. At the same time we know there will be people whose first attempt to reach out for help will be through the internet. We do encourage them to seek help from their local services and we have a comprehensive list and links to resources around the world.
Our role is to offer support, validate, advise, encourage, offer cyber hugs and allow people to find and use their voice in a setting where mutual respect is the norm. Our intention is to be there as an extra service for those trying to understand and accept that they are dealing with abuse, to be there as extra support as people try to reclaim their lives and recover from the abuse they experienced.
For me personally, this has been a hugely rewarding experience. I do get a lot of pleasure from helping our members. I have grown a lot through the experience and have come to know and believe that I am not invisible and that I do have a voice that can make a difference. I have made some wonderful friends around the world. I travelled to the US to meet and spend time with several people I have come to know through the forums. I have also met up with several Australians from various places. Our online community is truly multinational. Our admin group works well together although it is a diverse one with people from a variety of backgrounds. While I have made the choice to meet many members in real life it is far from expected. Members can be as private as they wish or as connected as they wish.
Although the laws and services may vary, domestic violence has a negative impact on people’s lives no matter where in the world they live. The experience of being abused hurts no matter where you live. Being heard and understood can help. I think that survivors’ understanding of each other has no borders. For some the anonymity that the internet can provide is less intimidating than making a call or talking face to face with someone. Writing worked for me and my screen name is now as much a part of me as my given name.
Kathy
